Existential nihilist relationship primer.   Leave a comment

So, I wanted to write about depression today.

I’ve said before that I struggle with depression.  I realized recently how weird of a phrase that is.  Depression for me is a minor disability.  Struggle sounds so temporary, so transient.  When you hike up a mountain, the steepest part is “a struggle”, the rest is just the hike.  Depression is more like missing a foot.  A lot of things you can do just like everyone else, but then randomly, you find some new thing you can’t do.  Further, I don’t know that I have ever heard anyone say “I struggle with cancer.”  or “I struggle with angina”.   You just have it, or you don’t. (Though people might say they struggled. Past tense.  Again, pointing to the transient nature of the experience.)

So, I’m going to stop saying I struggle with depression.  I don’t struggle with it.  Sometimes as a symptom of depression I struggle get out of bed. I struggle to love people well.  I struggle with a lot of things, but I don’t struggle with depression.  I just have it.  I struggle with the symptoms.

The other thought I wanted to say, is accepting the OKness of relationships ending.

All relationships will end. That’s not pessimism, it is reality.

(1.) Only part of relationship is with a person.  Part of it, maybe even most of it, is with your perception of the person.  Frequently relationships end because the perception and the person are just to far apart.  Because your vision of the future relationship was based on the perception, when the perception is proven wrong, sometimes you don’t want the new vision.

(2.) Even if you perceive the person perfectly, or perfectly enough, they might not perceive you as well.

(3.) Even if you both perceive one another perfectly, or perfectly enough, people change.

Your youness is the result of chemicals interacting.  Some of those chemicals are inherent to you, like your DNA.  Others are unique to your experiences (memories are coded as chemicals, or chemical changes).  Others are totally situational, for instance you might be very tired, or very high.  We all want to pick the “me” we like best and call that one real, but that’s magical thinking.  The fact is, low-blood-sugar-cranky you, giggly drunk you, darkly depressed you, head-over-heals-in-love you, jamming out to the car radio you, and many others are all equally the the real you.  There is no good reason to chose one and say “that’s the real me”.  The reason most of us do it is because we want to claim the parts of ourselves we find the most noble, and divorce ourselves from the parts we find the most ugly.

Where do those lost fragments of self go?  That’s a subject for another time.  But my point is here, because the list of our experiences is always growing, and the chemicals in us are always changing, we change.  If two people change the terms of the relationship they used to have, ends, because its about different people now.  Some relationships, like my marriage, terms are renegotiated constantly so that the relationship continues to keep up with us. This creates the illusion that the relationship continues, but the reality is, it does not. Long term relationships are series of beginning and dying relationships.

People change, even if they regret it, or wish not too.  That which is seen cannot be unseen, and you will change as a result of your experiences. If the chemicals didn’t change, there would be no memories.

(4.) People die.

All the time.  Billions of them.  You will die. Everyone you love will die. Everyone you hate will die.  Entropy means the tendency of a system to decrease in order/non homogeny.  Life is not immune to entropy.  Entropy happens to you all the time, but the pieces of you that don’t work are replaced constantly.  Eventually, the pieces which replace them cannot keep up.  Disorder increases faster than it can be repaired….the vast symphony of chemicals that makes you different than your weight in badgers or butterflies will play it’s last chord and everything that makes you, you…will stop.  Then, very soon after, everything that makes you, you, a badger, or a butterfly will stop, and you will be base constituents: hydrogen, carbon, oxygen, nitrogen.  Everything that lives dies.  People die. You-ness stops.

Not persuing a relationship for fear of ending is stupid.  Relationships end.

Further, your emotional response to relationships ending will follow a bell curve. Not can.  Not might. Will.

Most of your relationships will end averagely…which is to say “badly”.  Psychologists find that relationships ending is a huge stress factor for people.  Badly is in irony quotes because if it is average it’s not really bad.  Bad would be deviating significantly from average in one direction, good would be deviating significantly in the other direction.   A better word than badly would be painfully, since pain in this case is average.  Most relationships will end in the region of the bell curve near the center: heartbreak.  You will have a few relationships that end with significant deviation from bell curve center.  A few of these will be painless, perhaps even pleasant.  You will have a corresponding number that will really cause long term psychological harm , perhaps even death. (Dying of broken heart is a real phenomenon.)

Since all relationships end, and virtually all will end in normal statistical scatter around heartbreak, it would be stupid to avoid them.  To say “I should avoid relationships because they hurt” makes about as much sense as saying “I should avoid food because  I will poop.”  Avoiding a behavior that is fundamentally required for human life because you don’t find the outcome as pleasant as the behavior is just…mind bogglingly stupid.



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