Loving everybody, including transvestites   Leave a comment

Grace is a transvestite with soulful brown eyes, and smile that lights up a room.  Remember that for a moment while I dig through the closets of my mind…

I think “christo-fascist” is a lot more accurate way to describe the worldview I grew up with than “Christian”.  Fascism means (very broadly) a system of government where

(1.) The nation is rejuvenated by drawing the people together into one community around ideas like national identity and imaginary history,

(2.) The nation is purified of  contaminating foreign influence.

(3.) Capitalism is only supported when it benefits the goals of the national community

(4.) The military is seen as the supreme repository of this national community spirit

(5.)Democracy, egalitarianism, rationalism, socialism and communism, are all equally opposed, except where they fit in the created mythos of the state.

(6.) The mythos is enforced by by the use of or threat of terror.

Christo- as a prefix means pertaining to Christianity.  So Christo-fascism would be believing

(1.) The nation is rejuvenated by drawing people together as one nation of believers, in one nation under God, a logical growth of our Christian heritage.

(2.) We will be purified by getting rid of any influence contrary to this godly heritage, beginning with homosexuals, feminists, Muslims, Mexicans, and anyone who has sex in a way we hate.

(3.) Capitalism is good and a bulwark against communism, however any capitalism that sells something we don’t like, or hires someone we don’t like should be stopped. Censorship is actively encouraged.  Merit is discouraged (if the most qualified applicant is morally unacceptable in their private life, they should not get the job.)

(4.) The military is the method of projecting our godly light in the dark, unsaved world.

(5.) Democracy is good when it is practiced in the current status quo. Egalitarianism is against the anti-merit concept, and against the proper placement of skill and wealth that god has provided. Rationalism can only take away from God.  Socialism and Communism place the state in God’s rightful role.

(6.) Homosexuality should be criminalized. Abortion should be criminalized.  Addiction should be criminalized.  Islam should be criminalized. Immigrants should be criminalized. Prostitution should be criminalized.  Anyone who has a moral problem we dislike should fear the law and imprisonment.  Where imprisonment is too great a punishment, public humiliation, and loss of social position and income is acceptable.

So that was me. I really believed all that, and worse believed that it wasn’t just my opinion, it was the way god demanded in the Bible (what god actually demands is a subject for another time).  When I first began to deconvert, it was easy to lose god.  I’d had struggles and questions with theism since I was 5. But letting go of the worldview was harder.  What if America was just another nation?  What if we weren’t special?  What if capitalism does nearly as much harm as good?  What if the military has a lot more to do with what is good for GE and McDonald Douglas than what is good for Americans, let alone the countries we “save”.

But the hardest one of all was to give up on who I was supposed to hate.

It began with witches and feminists.  I was raised to believe in real spiritual warfare, and the deep connection between witches and feminists.  Then I started really researching witchcraft and witches, and found out Wicca is pretty much just Catholicism with some of the crazy taken out, and witches are mostly sweet older ladies, often a little chubby, who sit around drinking herbal tea and talking about periods, world peace, and healing energy.  They’re non-threatening almost to the point of pathetic.  Feminism and feminists were harder though.  To support feminism seemed degrading, unmanly.  I was so disgusted when I read through blogs like Feminism 101, and found nothing factually inaccurate.  Reading the autobiography of Patricia Ireland, What Women Want, was also disturbing.  She was so human, so shockingly non-monstrous.  She just wanted, like me, to be free to pursue her interests and love who she wanted to love.  She wanted the spirit, if not the letter, of the kind of classical liberalism that made America to begin with.

I remember as I learned feminists and feminism were people and a thing I believed in and wanted to support, feeling disgusted, dirty, less manly, less strong.  And I remember thinking, at some point in the process of learning to accept it “Well, at least I don’t have to support transvestites,” as if that was somehow a cross I just couldn’t bear: extending the circle of humanity all the way out to them.   I’m a member of one of those make-friends-online websites like matchtup.com or omegle, because I like talking people that aren’t like me.  Last night I talked to a transvestite name Grace.  She had dark brown eyes, long straight hair, and delicate, graceful shoulders.  She had a huge but rare smile that could light up a room when you saw it.  In fact, she reminded me a lot more of the strapping farmers’ daughters’ I knew from church camp,  than a man.  We talked about how sexuality affects working environment and how labels can be useful or not.  Because I’m a judgmental ass who is perpetually surprised when non-heteronormative people are monogamous, I was surprised when she said that she was monogamous and preferred long term relationships.   Then her smile disappeared and she mentioned off handedly, “Well of course, I’d like to get married someday, but it’s just not in the cards.  You sort of have to accept that men might enjoy your body for kink value, but no man wants to marry a TS.”

I think of all the time’s I’ve heard christo-fascists talk about how promiscuous people with non-heteronormative sexuality are, and I feel like shit for not standing up for them.   In most states she couldn’t get married even if she wanted to and could find someone.  There is no picket fence in Grace’s future, no Ford Taurus. None of the artifacts we associate with successful relationship.  What’s she supposed to do? Never know the touch of another person? Never love?  What the hell is she supposed to do, besides be “promiscuous”.   When I was kid, my parents made very clear to me that life isn’t fair, but I always took that to mean about little things, like who get’s the last of chocolate milk, and not so much things like “who society allows to have the tools to be happy and who it doesn’t.”  I wish I knew something I could do help.

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